Tan, mostly, and smooth;
Dappled with some light-colored areas
And a hole dripping with sweetness
In just the right spot.
You are my beloved donut.
I'm hungry.
Feed me. ¶ 10:27 AM 0 comments
1. Jesus's wife thoughtlessly maxes out the credit card at Banana Republic a week and a half before the next paycheck will be direct deposited. Arguably He could get an advance using "In God We Trust," but Our Lord doesn't want to play that card too many more times. How would He respond?
2. Our Heavenly Father's dear friend's wife has a baby. When he goes by their house to drop off a welcome-home gift, he can't help but notice that the baby is butt ugly. What does Jesus say to the new parents when he meets the baby?
3. Jesus hosts a Superbowl party for some of his fraternity brothers. Naturally, he abstains from participating in the side betting as he is omniscient. One of Jesus's friends is about to drive home a little drunk, and Jesus knows that the friend will die a horrible death on the way home. Should Jesus offer to drive the friend home, or simply revive him tomorrow morning?
4. Jesus and his wife invite some friends over for dinner that have announced that they became vegan. What a nice surprise for the hostess! Jesus's wife offers the guests rice and vegetables that have no meat, but Jesus is omnisciently aware that they were cooked in chicken stock. Should Jesus betray his wife's cooking?
5. Jesus feels uncomfortable at dinner parties when other people offer thanks up to Him, when he hasn't actually done anything to contribute to the meal. Should Jesus a) bring a salad every time he goes to dinner; b) offer to do the dishes; or c) transubstantiate some part of the meal to make the event more "special"?
6. Jesus, as a master carpenter, could be making bank doing cabinetry for any number of high-end custom home builders. However, His father is pressuring him to pursue a less lucrative but more spiritual calling. Jesus fears that following His father's wishes could lead to financial ruin and perhaps other adverse life outcomes, but he is convinced of the need to be a good son and honor His father. What to do: follow the bling, or follow the Lord?
7. The whole "turn the other cheek" schtick gets really old some times. Like yesterday-- the asswhole next door wouldn't shut up about all the stuff he's going to do if Jesus's kids ever pull the flaming bag of dog pooh trick on him again. Call the cops, call his lawyer, teach those kids a lesson, blah blah blah. Wouldn't it be ok to conjure up a seemingly random bolt of lightning just to shut this guy up? Maybe that's too Greek/pagan. Perhaps a horde of locusts sent directly to his yard... ¶ 11:21 AM 1 comments
Here's what I'd like to know:
1. What are the 3 things you most frequently think about during church, besides church?
2. Do you really believe more than half the Apostle's Creed, besides the strictly historical stuff?
3. What are your motives for putting money in the collection plate? What do you hope to get in return for that, really?
4. Do you enjoy farting in church, or try to avoid it?
5. Do you:
a. Sing along with gusto?
b. Sort of mouth the words, and occasionally make some musical noises?
c. Just listen and watch other people sing along?
d. Continue daydreaming and wish you didn't have to sit/stand/kneel so much?
6. Name somebody who probably went to heaven. Now describe what they're doing right now. Does that sound like paradise to you? Could you do that forever, or would it eventually become repetitive, then annoying, then unbearable and hellish?
7. Do you really want to go to heaven?
8. List 5 pieces of accepted canon that you think are completely bogus?
9. Which commandment do you plan to break next?
10. Describe a preist, nun, altarboy, organist, sunday school teacher, choir member, or lectern about which you've had fantasy (can involve multiple people off list).
After you've filled out the survey, please fold it in half and drop it in the collection plate along with your weekly contribution. Make sure to write clearly your name and contact information on the outside of the survey so that we can follow up on any questions later if clarification is needed. ¶ 11:06 AM 3 comments
Ted and I were at a local Austin bar during happy hour the other evening, trying to have a conversation. I say "trying" because it was so loud in the bar that you really couldn't hear the person standing a foot away from you--despite the fact that they were forced to yell at the top of their lungs in order to be heard. In fact, if you were to take any one of the dozens of shriekingly loud conversations going on in there - out of its context - say, outside, and continue it at the same volume, any passersby would think that either you were having a really wicked argument that had degenerated into an all-out yelling match, or that you were definitely both insane.
Anyway, I did happen to catch a bit of what Ted was saying, and one of his comments was about how hard it was to post an earnest, revealing, or truthfully forthright post about something that is important to you or that you believe in, and that conversely it's much easier to be sarcastic, cynical, or bitchy - because you can then hide your vulnerability behind a wall of "attitude." I think he's really got something there, and I am about to do exactly that - to use this forum to complain about something that's bugging me, using sarcasm, irony, and a little biting humor, possibly.
Okay - here's my beef for the day. Remember that old slogan that the U.S. Post Office used back in the day?
"Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet, shall keep me from my appointed rounds..."
Well, our mailman doesn't even have to walk anymore to complete his "appointed rounds," but gets to sit in his comfy, air conditioned mail jeep and just drive up to each mail box, open the lid, and shoot the mail in. He's got it pretty easy, no? Or so it seems. Actually, there is a dreaded evil that threatens to ruin the quiet, relaxing serenity of his daily rounds. No, it isn't a pit bull or even a rotweiler. What is this terrible plague that dismays him so that he is... gulp... dare I say it? ... actually incapable of delivering mail to every house, and thus forced to shirk his promise to make all his "appointed rounds?" Okay, I'll stop the suspense. It's this - my neighbor parks his car right in front of the mailboxes along the side of the street, and so the mailman can't just drive up to them and shoot the mail in there. No. He has to stop his car, get out of his car, walk over to the mailbox using his FEET, put the mail in the box, close it, and then walk all the way back to his car and climb back in. I think this must create a serious dilemma in his mind. How can he (1) perform his duties, while (2) avoiding this horrible inconvenience? What can he do? Easy - just drive right by the house, pretending that we (and our duplex neighbors) simply didn't get any mail. Yeah, that's the ticket... they, um... didn't have any mail - yeah, that's the ticket. Put it back in the bin for tomorrow, yeah... I guess I should be thankful that he's not just throwing it in the garbage. I mean, we do seem to be getting every piece of mail that is coming to us. Eventually.
So, let me get this right. In the olden days, mail carriers would trek through a blizzard, or a thunderstorm, or perhaps even a small, tropical depression in order to get your mail to you. But today, it's too much to ask a mailman to do a bit of WALKING...!? I'm putting this picture at the top because now, whenever I think of our mailman, I picture him just exactly as if he were this guy. Newman. J$ ¶ 11:48 AM 0 comments
It seems that this forum has gotten all "highbrow" all of a sudden, and I feel I must submit something of substance for a change. But all I can think about is how cool it would be to be a Beastie Boy because I could go around wearing sweet Adidas warmup suits and matching hats & sneakers.
This brings me to the topic of how, when reading Platonic dialogues, the character of Socrates always gives me a headache. In order to investigate why this is, I've written a fake Platonic dialogue exploring the matter.
TYLENOLIUS - by Plato (a short dialogue, translated by James Dollabill)
TYLENOLIUS: Why, Socrates, does your elenchus give me such a pain in the forehead?!
SOCRATES: By the dog, Tylenolius, this is a good question. Would you like to learn why?
TYL: Yes, Socrates, that is why I asked you about it.
SOC: The thing is, Tylenolius, you already know why. Did you know that?
TYL: But how, O Socrates, can I know something that I do not know. It sounds absurd.
SOC: Yes, it does seem strange, but many things in life seem strange. But answer me this, What does a cat do?
TYL: Why, a cat sleeps, Socrates.
SOC: Yes, and what else does a cat do besides sleep?
TYL: A cat eats, and purrs, and sheds its fur.
SOC: This is true, Tylenolius, so there is not just one thing that a cat does, you would say.
TYL: It seems so, Socrates.
SOC: And what about turds, Tylenolius, what do they do?
TYL: Turds fall, Socrates.
SOC: Don't turds do anything else?
TYL: Yes, you are right - turds stink.
SOC: And what about a doctor of medicine, what does he do?
TYL: He treats illnesses.
SOC: And what else does he do?
TYL: He drives a sports car, Socrates?
SOC: Yes, so once again, a medical doctor does not do just one thing. Now, Tylenolius, if a person performs more than one task, what can we say of him?
TYL: He performs many tasks.
SOC: Now, answer me this, is performing many tasks simple or complex, by definition?
TYL: I would say it is complex.
SOC: This is right, and when performing complex mathematical problems, what sometimes happens?
TYL: When I try to work on Calculus with Pythagorus the Younger, I often get a headache.
SOC: Does everyone get a headache from working calculus?
TYL: No, I fear not, Socrates.
SOC: So why do you get a headache, Tylenolius, when others do not?
TYL: I believe it is because I am not as smart as they are.
SOC: Ah. So when one is not smart enough to understand something that is complex, one gets a headache.
TYL: I think you have found an anwer, Socrates.
SOC: Let us finish this, then Tylenolius. What task does Socrates perform?
TYL: He argues with people.
SOC: Yes, and what else?
TYL: He has a homoerotic affair with young Alcibiades.
SOC: And what else?
TYL: He buys fish at the agora.
SOC: Yes, so is Socrates simple or complex?
TYL: By Zeus, Socrates is complex.
SOC: So, my dear Tylenolius, you have your answer. You get a headache from Socrates because you are not smart enough to understand calculus, and because Socrates argues with people, is having a love affair with a young boy, and buys fish at the agora. Do you see how you knew this all along?
TYL: Yes, Socrates. I can't believe it. You were right.
SOC: It is always worthwhile looking into a matter and scaling the mountains of dialectic. Now, I heard they just got in a shipment of lovely Red Snapper, shall we go to the agora.
TYL: Lead the way, Socrates...
J$ ¶ 10:54 AM 1 comments
In an appeal to civil libertarians, who heretofore have been ridden over roughsod by the administration, the revised proposal calls for the building of hundreds of miles of no-speed limit roads through federal lands. These roads will be unbanked, no-guardrail-style roads in remote (formerly pristine) areas with special areas reserved for primitive (no-catalytic converter) only use. By including a primitive use area, the all-important NASCAR lobby will fall into the fold, as will the survivalist camp.
Positive externalities include
- a large benefit to social security from social darwinism effects
- helping control the overpopulation of game in our national parks
- support the fuels production industry
- an excellent use for the dirtiest refining fraction (asphalt) and a replenishment of the VOC loading in the atmosphere that declined as a consequence of catalytic converters
- replace loss in home-building jobs with health care and body shop jobs
So there you have it.... progress at every price.
¶ 10:30 AM 0 comments
Now that manifestos are fair game, I’d like to unveil my proposed plan to fix social security. It’s pretty simple, and also pretty affordable. We’ll lose a little tax revenue in the first few years, but I think the economics are pretty compelling. Here’s what I propose:
- Federal subsidy for fried foods. Every time somebody buys a bucket of chicken from The Colonel, Uncle Sam picks up 10% of the tab. Same goes for french fries, chicken fried steak, and popcorn shrimp. If successful, I think the subsidy should be extended to gravies as a family—your cream gravies, sausage gravies, one-eyed rabbit gravy, what have you.
- Repeal federal taxes on alcohol and tobacco, and prohibit the states from taxing same. I know, this is a problem because it’s a big source of tax revenue at present. But I have a fix for that…
- Levy a 50% tax on Lipitor and other cholesterol controlling drugs. To put teeth in this, public insurance programs like Medicare can still pay for the drug, but the tax must be paid by the user.
One, two, three. It’s that simple. No need to raise payroll taxes or move back the retirement age for social security. Claims for retirement benefits will go way down, and we’ll still be solvent for decades to come.
Another idea I batted around but ultimately rejected would be to impose a road tax on joggers. I think it makes a lot of sense, but would be very difficult to implement. Also, people might move en masse to treadmills, essentially gutting the tax.
One of the real beauties of this scheme (‘Scheme’ sounds like an evil plot, doesn’t it? Maybe I should stick to calling it a plan.) is that it will provide some extra funding to public schools. Remember how much fried food they served in your high school cafeteria? Now the schools get back 10 cents on the dollar every time they serve up a plate of chicken fingers and fries. Do the math on that and gimme a side of gravy!
Objective: To find and implement scalable environmental projects that maximize the environmental yield of each investment. The search is particularly geared toward energy projects to take advantage of my career experience and interest.
Discussion: After admitting that enviromental goals are worthwhile, it behooves the philanthropist to set about pursuing them with the same rigor employed by investment professionals. Without the tools of economics and business, the environmental venture risks squandering the finite resources allowed it and confirming the self-serving view of some industrialists that preserving and restoring the environment is "too expensive" or "impossible." With that in mind, a few principles are worth noting:
- Reducing demand is generally better for the environment than increasing supply. It is also usually cheaper.
- Subsidizing the supply of a commodity (as in energy) by ensuring the provenance of some portion of supply from renewable resources (wind or solar) will serve to decrease the market clearing cost. This effectively spurs demand for energy consumption. Remember the P/Q curve?
- The economics of energy investments are often perverted by government subsidies that are more politically driven than goal driven. It is important to keep in mind that those perversions can obscure the real economics of a solution. With sufficient level of government largesse, resources and focus can actually be diverted from viable solutions in favor of forced solutions. Some of these solutions defy the inherent economics.
- Protecting the environment could really benefit from government involvement. Ideally, this would not be technology subsidies, but a more honest attempt to value collective goods and put a price tag on negative externalities.
- Solving problems takes effort. Solving big problems takes significant effort. MoneyMoney is just modernity's way of measuring how much.
- As my buddy Ted pointed out to me, the fact that our environment will be worse in 50 years than it is today, cannot be discounted by 50 years, because it makes me sad today. Sad enough that I am willing to work on it.
Next Steps:
- Determine the level of annual commitment I am willing to make to the environment. I expect that my most effective contribution will be in helping others effectively deploy their environmental budget.
- Enlist the help and support of my wife, who is also knowledgeable in the field.
- Engage other like-minded friends in the cause
- Design metrics that measure environmental benefit. (the environmental equivalent of money)
- Build a "business plan" that will look for projects that are replicable, and maximally effective.
- Roll out the plan to let others share the cost of social investing with the comfort that they are doing so efficiently.
Plugerville
The ‘P’ is silent
Like the town during the day
Name has no meaning
A hideous town
With mile after mile of trash
Housing built real quick
Why are you a blight?
I-35 is nicer
Than your row houses
Walmart of cities
A prison for bland people
Who like big and cheap
Developers burn in hell
Or in Pflugerville
O, WIT! O, IRONY! O, CLEVER MAN!
I sup on thy delicious irony,
it being my dainty morsel
and mine daily bread
It passeth through the intestine of mine soul,
where mine humours gorge upon it, as a
rich potentate devours a rare sturgeon steeped in broth and sweetmeats.
I defecate the remains into the ears of mine friends
who bless me for it and loveth mine wit, too!
O, thou wisely giveth the truth
couched in nuggets of lies
like the man who find an ancient dime
in the sand dunes of time
underneath a stick covered in bird dookie
and thou maketh all men turn their eyes
towards thee, O master!
Thou maketh me happy, very happy
oh, so happy.
Did I mention that I was happy?
Oh yes, happy!
And smiling, yes smiling!
J$ ¶ 2:27 PM 0 comments
Today's musing will consider the following question? Why are professors so cruel? You know what I'm talking about... assigning an unreasonable amount of work, impossible-to-write papers, severity of demeanor, unjust grading methods, intimidating glances in class, love for destroying the esteem and idealism of youth, will-breaking, and a never tiring desire to prove superior over the lowly creatures he/she instructs. Why?
No, it's not because they have to sign a pact with the devil in order to get tenure. The true reason is because they were once graduate students. Think about it. Grad students are the most ill-treated and humiliated beings in the universe. They have no rights, they are required to perform acts of syncophantism, butt-kissing, and general groveling. They are never right, must always prove themselves, and can never breathe easy until they walk across the stage and actually grasp the elusive diploma that they've given so much of their souls to possess. In addition to all of this, they must also subsist on about $3,700 a year salary, which adds up to about $10.14 a day.
What can we do to remedy this evil? Nothing. Think about it, ponder it, peruse the situation. The problem is in the cyclical nature of the entire thing. Graduate students either drop out and become raving, insane homeless people, or they get a job at a university teaching and abusing graduate students. This is their divine right, since they have paid their dues and the up-and-coming graduate students must also pay theirs. No professor wants the ignominy of being the first to allow grad students to escape the torture they had to endure - so the system will continue in perpetuity, defying even the laws of the universe.
So now you know. I must now go back to my reading and studying and endless currying of favor. (spoken while assuming the position of the lowly supplicant) Yours truly, J$ - who will hereafter be known as Jcent ¶ 1:52 PM 2 comments
AP Wire, Austin Texas
Pepe’s Palacio de Piñatas closed its doors today after what can only be described as an extremely bizarre incident which occurred over the weekend.
A group of unknown vandals broke into Pepe’s Saturday mid-afternoon, causing extensive damage and terrifying store patrons and employees. Nobody was injured in the incident, and insurance will cover most of the propert damage. However, several of the employees were extremely shaken by the event.
Employee Tina Malasuerte, who has worked on the handmade piñatas at Pepe’s Palacio de Piñatas since she was eight years old, gave the following statement to police: “At first we didn’t know what was happening. It sounded like thunder, and then we realized people were beating on the outside of the building with bats or something. After, like, 10 minutes, they busted a hole in one of the walls. Then it was just crazy. People were running around and screaming. They were carrying sticks, and some of them looked like they had blindfolds on.”
Other eyewitnesses report that the group of hoodlums was led by a very tall, garishly dressed person.Photographs from hidden security cameras show that the man may havebeen as tall as 8 feet, had bright pink hair, and wore floppy shoes. Investigators are still trying to identify one or more suspects.
The lawbreakers did not steal cash or other valuables, but many were seen grabbing handfuls of candy as they fled the scene.
Whereas, The accumulation, verification, and peer review of scientific evidence can be time consuming, fraught with the risk of being uncovered as fraudulently collected; and
Whereas, Opinions are often formed prior to testing hypotheses, thus rendering the accumulation of scientific evidence a superflous step; we hereby agree:
1. That provided one or two high profile examples of a behavior, state of matter, etc can be described, that behavior or state of matter is deemed to exist and be representative of the broad population.
2. Using descriptive statistical terms is an annoying feature of scientific culture that has no appropriate place in unscholarly discourse.
3. Examples involving rich people, famous people, or events that featured prominently on the evening news are more representative than examples involving Aunt Gertrude.
4. First hand knowledge is recommended but not required. Occassionally a friend will have another friend who saw something that more than adequately proves the point. Actually speaking with the eyewitness is optional.
5. Making generalizations about race, gender, creed and religion are acceptable so long as you start the phrase with, "I'm not a chauvenist, but..." or its equivalent. This is equivalent to wearing a bigotry safety vest.
6. Following any of all of these rules qualifies you to be a contributing editor to grocery store checkout line tabloids. ¶ 8:01 AM 0 comments
I sit at my desk with the PC
I type letters and send resumes
I surf the net to pass the time
With nothing but time ahead of me
Out the window the dogs play
The grass grows and birds sqauwk
Because they are grackles
And that’s just what what they say
The cat sits and yanws at my side
But she looks out the window
Where the action really is
Not on the screen that eats my time
Dead leaves are more intriguing
Than my emails or the web
Each leaf is unique and necessary
Most web pages are neither
I had a little trouble getting that third stanza to not suck. Any suggestions would be welcome. ¶ 4:41 PM 0 comments
(AP) Columbus, OH. New Office Based Reality Show to be Filmed in Central Ohio
The broadcast networks have long since recognized the appeal of reality. Simultaneously they join the other creative professions in abandoning creativity in favor of the safety of hackneyed programming and knock-offs of other successful attempts. To wit, executives are pleased to announce the launch of a new reality program. In the as yet unnamed program, individual contestants will be arrayed in an imitation office setting, and will vie amongst each other for the contract to produce a new pilot for a reality show.
The show will be hosted by someone obnoxious, who by virtue of unscrupulous practices has been vaulted to the forefront of his/her profession. The host will then mercilessly denigrate the efforts and ideas of the contestants until they carefully follow the formula by which the host achieved his success.
The viewers will be brought back week after week in anticipation of the refreshing creativity of the program. Already planning for success, the show's second season will involve a change of setting to the home office. As an added twist to the formula, contestants born of social privilege will be handicapped by having dial-up internet connections with the linux operating system. It is clear from experience (continued on page 4B column C) ¶ 12:15 PM 0 comments
This is inspired by Robyn’s brother-in-law, Jason.
Everybody is familiar with the expression, “I want to die in this house.” If you think about it, it probably doesn’t describe an emotion you’ve felt. It’s hard to imagine how that sentence came to mean that a person really likes his house. I know I’ve never had an urge to stop living in any particular building, although I like my house fairly well.
Last Sunday, we were contemplating other places and things that might fit in expression. Here are my attempts to brainstorm as many good ones as possible. I find it interesting that, besides reflecting a morbid preoccupation, each one takes on a slightly different meaning.
“I want to die in this boat.” Same meaning, or lack thereof, as ‘house’.
“I want to die in this hospital.” I’m sick of being sick and ready to die in this or any other hospital, stat.
“I want to die in this mall.” I’ve often felt this way while being dragged through a mall, if only to escape an afternoon of shopping.
“I want to die in this ocean with huge stingrays.” Sorry, bad taste. Mea culpa.
“I want to die in this restaurant.” Presumably so my estate can sue for the full extent of their insurance coverage.
“I want to die in this car.” Possibly, “I hope I’m driving fast and taking chances when my time comes.” It certainly wouldn’t mean that a person really likes his car.
“I want to die in this jail/prison.” See ‘mall’ above.
“I want to die in this relationship.” See ‘jail/prison' above.
“I want to die in this strip club.” The meaning is intuitive to those who already understand; for all others, no explanation would be sufficient.
“I want to die in this bar.”
Why? Pull yourself together, man. Have a drink. It’s not so bad.
I remember being a kid. Things were different then. Girls and boys still played separately on the playground until high school. We still had playgrounds at schools. Playgrounds still had playground equipment.
There were a lot of things in outerspace too. I don't exactly remember when the earth was the center of the universe (a bit before my time), but I remember that the sun was the center of our solar system. And then the planets. Oh .. the planets. Nine of them, and then later in high school, some crazy scientist thought he might have found another one, out near Pluto. Imagine that, 10 planets. They might even give it a cool name like 'Uranus.' Or something stupid like O89B673. Astrologers weren't always that boring.
Kids these days. 8 planets. Its almost too easy. What is next? Will Jupiter stop being a planet because it is too big? (DRUM ROLL PLEASE) "Ladies and Gentleman, I am pleased to announce that you are now living in a twin sun solar system, with 7 planets. Please pack your bags in anticipation of our sun becoming a red dwarf. We will be leaving for Alpha Centauri in 2 Billion 700 Million years."
Now I don't meant to be nostalgic. Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be. But then again, neither is our solar system. ¶ 12:31 PM 0 comments
I’m sad to report that I am that person; I sometimes fit into the category of people who races past a line of patiently waiting drivers. I caught myself doing it yesterday. I surmised from the really long line of people in the right lane that you had to be in that lane to turn right, which I wanted to do. However, I was careening past all those people like everybody else in the middle lane.
While in the act, I decided to go straight instead of cut into the right-turn lane. I figured it would only take me a minute to do a U-turn after the light, instead of stop traffic while trying to nose into the right lane. Then, miraculously, a truck in the line made a very slow right turn, creating a wide opening for me. So I got to skip waiting without having to cut in front of anybody. It was a bittersweet break, knowing what group of people I’ve fallen in with.
I usually leave the house 10 minutes early for everything (unless I’m with somebody who is always running 30 minutes late) so that I can drift along at a leisurely pace and not worry about how long I sit at stoplights. I usually let most people cut in front of me, unless they seem to be skipping waiting in line. Then I drive aggressively, and make sure they don’t get in. That is arguably worse than what they’re doing, so I usually chastize myself afterwards for being so petty. Then repeat.
I look forward to a day when I can take mass transit to work, with a 10 minute walk at each end. I will surely have to leave Texas to realize my dream. ¶ 12:11 PM 0 comments
I was amazed at the entire scene, watching it develop and play out before my eyes, and I thought that this was a perfect metaphor for people. There are 2 kinds of people, to make a crude distinction - those who are patient and wait their turn, and those who believe it fitting and just to take advantage and get ahead - even if that means running around or over others. I saw it like this - the psychology of this phenomenon seemed to me to be that of the difference between people who think that they are only a cog in the greater machine of society, and in order for society to function we must share and work together - and those who see life as a ladder to be climbed, with the ultimate goal attaining the uppermost rung, knowing full-well that in order to reach the summit one must necessarily climb over the backs of others. It says a lot about us as a society - about our manners, priorities and values. Why do I deserve to go "first" or ahead of others? Is it because I got there first? If not, is it because I was aggressive enough to realize that that open left lane is just sitting there, and those who are waiting patiently in the right lane are suckers and worse - losers? Why should I sacrifice my own time so that others can go before me? If something is there for the taking, isn't it right to grab it, no matter the means? Isn't this also a microcosm of America's hyper-capitalistic ethos? If doctoring the books is what it takes to secure myself a multi-million dollar profit, why should I resist? If taking steroid allows me to hit 70 home runs and secure a huge contract to take care of my family for life, why not?
I thought about this a lot, and then I stopped thinking about it because it made me depressed. I'd like to live in a world where all people would patiently wait their turns in the right lane - but that's not the place in which I live, and that's sad to me. But, again, maybe that's just me... what about you? J$ ¶ 2:50 PM 0 comments
Cheap pleasure, I turn you on every morning
when my wife goes to work.
I try to stop myself, but I know it’s useless.
The patterns, the habit, are too old and ingrained.
But then you seep into my head,
And everything is as it should be.
Truly, my cup runneth over
Into my lap, and I scream from the heat.
¶ 2:16 PM 1 comments
The Calvin Family Blessing is derived, I believe, from the following stock Catholic mealtime prayer:
Bless us O Lord,
And these, thy gifts,
Which we are about to receive,
From thy bounty,
Through Christ our Lord we pray,
Amen.
In our house, however, this prayer was run together into one big word and recited as fast as possible before each meal:
blessusolordandthesethygiftswhichweareabouttoreceivefromthybountythrough-
christourlordwepray. Amen!
It would probably look amusing to an outsider; four people holding hands, staring into plates of food, and apparently speaking in tongues simultaneously. It’s much faster to mumble it this way, so you don’t have to slow down and think about what you’re saying when what you really want to do is dig into the meatloaf getting cold on your plate. I guess the idea is to get the obligatory prayer out of the way quickly, so you can eat but God won’t blast you to hell for irreverance.
Ultimately, this should be carried to its logical end—the shortest prayer possible that covers all the bases. God’s neat, let’s eat. But somehow this comes off as being flippant, even though it’s arguably more sincere than the one-word, 85-letter prayer quoted above.
So what to do?
Why not rewind back to the bad old days, and do a little sacrifice before each meal? I’m all for fire, and it would be a simple matter to install a bunsen burner at the table. Little piles of food, whatever we’re having for dinner, could be incinerated ritually as a way of offering thanks to whoever might be watching. Meats would work well, but vegetables like broccoli that absorb a lot of water during cooking might take too long. Salad would be completely out, but dinner rolls would probably burn ok. Fondue is pretty much a slam dunk, while a single-course meal of stew or soup would be tough. A smoke hood and a fire extinguisher would probably come in handy, now that I think about this a little more.
While I wait for the next holiday where I can try this out, I’ll be recompiling other prayers, such as the Act of Contrition, into their streamlined single-word format for convenient compliance. I think I may need this one shortly after posting this blog. OmyGodIamheartilysorryforhavingoffended- TheeandIdetestallmysinsbecauseIdreadthelossofheavenandthepainsofhellbutmostofallbecause- theyoffendTheemyGodWhoareallgoodanddeservingofallmyloveIfirmlyresolvewiththehelpofThy- gracetoconfessmysinstodopenanceandtoamendmylife. ¶ 11:03 PM 0 comments
