Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Galluping Christianity
What does everybody else think about during church, besides what's going on at church? Sometimes the homily (or sermon, for you pagans) is interesting, so you listen to some of that. But what's everybody else pondering while singing those awful contemporary christian tunes and forking money into the collection plate? I'd really like to survey people on this, but I'm afraid it would deeply offend 25%-50% of the other churchgoers. Fuck 'em if they can't take a little joke, I guess.
Here's what I'd like to know:
1. What are the 3 things you most frequently think about during church, besides church?
2. Do you really believe more than half the Apostle's Creed, besides the strictly historical stuff?
3. What are your motives for putting money in the collection plate? What do you hope to get in return for that, really?
4. Do you enjoy farting in church, or try to avoid it?
5. Do you:
a. Sing along with gusto?
b. Sort of mouth the words, and occasionally make some musical noises?
c. Just listen and watch other people sing along?
d. Continue daydreaming and wish you didn't have to sit/stand/kneel so much?
6. Name somebody who probably went to heaven. Now describe what they're doing right now. Does that sound like paradise to you? Could you do that forever, or would it eventually become repetitive, then annoying, then unbearable and hellish?
7. Do you really want to go to heaven?
8. List 5 pieces of accepted canon that you think are completely bogus?
9. Which commandment do you plan to break next?
10. Describe a preist, nun, altarboy, organist, sunday school teacher, choir member, or lectern about which you've had fantasy (can involve multiple people off list).
After you've filled out the survey, please fold it in half and drop it in the collection plate along with your weekly contribution. Make sure to write clearly your name and contact information on the outside of the survey so that we can follow up on any questions later if clarification is needed. ¶ 11:06 AM
Here's what I'd like to know:
1. What are the 3 things you most frequently think about during church, besides church?
2. Do you really believe more than half the Apostle's Creed, besides the strictly historical stuff?
3. What are your motives for putting money in the collection plate? What do you hope to get in return for that, really?
4. Do you enjoy farting in church, or try to avoid it?
5. Do you:
a. Sing along with gusto?
b. Sort of mouth the words, and occasionally make some musical noises?
c. Just listen and watch other people sing along?
d. Continue daydreaming and wish you didn't have to sit/stand/kneel so much?
6. Name somebody who probably went to heaven. Now describe what they're doing right now. Does that sound like paradise to you? Could you do that forever, or would it eventually become repetitive, then annoying, then unbearable and hellish?
7. Do you really want to go to heaven?
8. List 5 pieces of accepted canon that you think are completely bogus?
9. Which commandment do you plan to break next?
10. Describe a preist, nun, altarboy, organist, sunday school teacher, choir member, or lectern about which you've had fantasy (can involve multiple people off list).
After you've filled out the survey, please fold it in half and drop it in the collection plate along with your weekly contribution. Make sure to write clearly your name and contact information on the outside of the survey so that we can follow up on any questions later if clarification is needed. ¶ 11:06 AM
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He's my survey response. I used to go to church every week religiously (ha), but now I never go. I remember near the end, before I bailed, I started bringing fiction to read during the service to distract me from the sermon, because I was getting more and more frustrated with the drivel that the new pastor was spouting and I kept having this horrible temptation to jump up out of my seat and heckle him. I also remember spending a lot of the service thinking quite deeply about the profound issue of where we were going to go eat lunch - which restaurant, I mean.
I hate giving money to church, and mostly that was because of some strange cosmic mishap I ended up on this committee that hashed out pastor salaries and benefits packages, and I knew that this fundamentalist buffoon was bringing in over 100 G + he had a substantial housing stipend to get him set up in a pretty huge new crib - AND they were covering the insurance for his entire family. And I was teaching high school and making about 38,000! So I was like, no way Jose am I going to give you mofos any of my bling. I wish that I could give the money directly and anonymously to a source that was in actual dire need - but I guess the sad fact is that I never had that much extra money to give. I must not have enough faith.
Farting in church is a big no-no - because you always get caught. Instead, just excuse yourself and go sit in the throne room to drop a deuce. You can take your time, read the church bulletin, and not be hassled by any geezers who take like 20 minutes to make number ones. And, when you get back, a nice chunk of the service is already gone!
I never sing, but just awkwardly stand there, trying to look thoughtful or something. Sometimes I just gave up altogther and didn't even stand up with everyone. I know that sounds really antisocial, but it's also kind of fun to have a go at people that way.
I think there's a lot of stuff in Christianity that logically speaking, God can't be upset for us for not *really* believing it. I mean, sure - if God has this ultimate power, then anything is possible. But something like a virgin birth just seems pretty fishy.
Regarding heaven, I don't know what we're supposed to do for eternity up there, except for praising God and all, but I can't imagine that it would take much for even Him to get tired of that. I think the Muslims were smart to include in their concept of heaven a harem full of nubile hotties, waiting to be deliciously laid on request, along with other numerous and sundry treats such as yummy foods and some o' dat Brass Monkey. I think any guy could go for that kind of afterlife. But after awhile I suppose you'd get tired of all that nookie, too, and you'd be thinking of video games you missed, or how great the Internet used to be. I'd miss reading books. Maybe we're reborn into a kind of spiritual body that is in a constant orgasmic state - that would be pretty cool I guess.
Right now, in heaven, God, Jesus and all the Crew are probably looking down on this post with their arms crossed, shaking their heads and frowning. Oh well.
There's my survey - this is what I REALLY think, too - for the record.
Rev. Pat Robertson
I hate giving money to church, and mostly that was because of some strange cosmic mishap I ended up on this committee that hashed out pastor salaries and benefits packages, and I knew that this fundamentalist buffoon was bringing in over 100 G + he had a substantial housing stipend to get him set up in a pretty huge new crib - AND they were covering the insurance for his entire family. And I was teaching high school and making about 38,000! So I was like, no way Jose am I going to give you mofos any of my bling. I wish that I could give the money directly and anonymously to a source that was in actual dire need - but I guess the sad fact is that I never had that much extra money to give. I must not have enough faith.
Farting in church is a big no-no - because you always get caught. Instead, just excuse yourself and go sit in the throne room to drop a deuce. You can take your time, read the church bulletin, and not be hassled by any geezers who take like 20 minutes to make number ones. And, when you get back, a nice chunk of the service is already gone!
I never sing, but just awkwardly stand there, trying to look thoughtful or something. Sometimes I just gave up altogther and didn't even stand up with everyone. I know that sounds really antisocial, but it's also kind of fun to have a go at people that way.
I think there's a lot of stuff in Christianity that logically speaking, God can't be upset for us for not *really* believing it. I mean, sure - if God has this ultimate power, then anything is possible. But something like a virgin birth just seems pretty fishy.
Regarding heaven, I don't know what we're supposed to do for eternity up there, except for praising God and all, but I can't imagine that it would take much for even Him to get tired of that. I think the Muslims were smart to include in their concept of heaven a harem full of nubile hotties, waiting to be deliciously laid on request, along with other numerous and sundry treats such as yummy foods and some o' dat Brass Monkey. I think any guy could go for that kind of afterlife. But after awhile I suppose you'd get tired of all that nookie, too, and you'd be thinking of video games you missed, or how great the Internet used to be. I'd miss reading books. Maybe we're reborn into a kind of spiritual body that is in a constant orgasmic state - that would be pretty cool I guess.
Right now, in heaven, God, Jesus and all the Crew are probably looking down on this post with their arms crossed, shaking their heads and frowning. Oh well.
There's my survey - this is what I REALLY think, too - for the record.
Rev. Pat Robertson
# posted by 
: 1:54 PM
: 1:54 PM
Here are my survey answers:
1. People around me, especially attractive people. Yeah! Yeah! Hot chicks! And brunch plans. And books I've read recently. So, I'm pretty close to Pat Robertson on this one.
2. No. I'd like to, but it seems so random and contrived. I try to only recite the parts that I actually accept, which tend to be pretty much the biographical data.
3. I only contribute for a special collection, like sending missionaries to convert otherwise happy populations.
4. I do get a certain satisfaction, yes. I try to keep the noise down and the odor up. My wife excels at this.
5. b-- mouth words and hum a little. I'm hopelessly off-key. I sometimes bring a little mouth harp in, which I think is a nice addition.
6. I hope Mother Teresa is kicking back in a lawn chair beside a heavenly pool, with a fishbowl daquiri in hand. She's got a lot of catching up to do in the department of vices. I however could only do that for a month or two before trying to figure out how to get reincarnated. Where does the Catholic church come down on reincarnation, I wonder?
7. I guess not, at least as I conceive it.
8. (Applies only to Catholic doctrine) 1) Not letting women be priests, 'cause they'd look hot in those robes swinging incense around 2) Ban on birth control (obviously) 3) Vatican desperately needs to be updated, and I'd sell off some of the more valuable stuff on craigslist while they're at it. I think something a little less conspicuously opulent would be more appropriate; perhaps a $1000/SF budget would be a good starting place 4) Let's make the earth flat again and 6,000 years old. That would be fun. 5) Rewrite Book of Job and have Job kickass more and not be so damn cheerful
9. Gotta go with some sort of coveting, but I haven't picked out what I want yet. Still browsing.
10. Sadly, I have not yet fantasized about any of these people. I had a sunday school teacher I dreamed of killing slowly and painfully, but she had it coming.
1. People around me, especially attractive people. Yeah! Yeah! Hot chicks! And brunch plans. And books I've read recently. So, I'm pretty close to Pat Robertson on this one.
2. No. I'd like to, but it seems so random and contrived. I try to only recite the parts that I actually accept, which tend to be pretty much the biographical data.
3. I only contribute for a special collection, like sending missionaries to convert otherwise happy populations.
4. I do get a certain satisfaction, yes. I try to keep the noise down and the odor up. My wife excels at this.
5. b-- mouth words and hum a little. I'm hopelessly off-key. I sometimes bring a little mouth harp in, which I think is a nice addition.
6. I hope Mother Teresa is kicking back in a lawn chair beside a heavenly pool, with a fishbowl daquiri in hand. She's got a lot of catching up to do in the department of vices. I however could only do that for a month or two before trying to figure out how to get reincarnated. Where does the Catholic church come down on reincarnation, I wonder?
7. I guess not, at least as I conceive it.
8. (Applies only to Catholic doctrine) 1) Not letting women be priests, 'cause they'd look hot in those robes swinging incense around 2) Ban on birth control (obviously) 3) Vatican desperately needs to be updated, and I'd sell off some of the more valuable stuff on craigslist while they're at it. I think something a little less conspicuously opulent would be more appropriate; perhaps a $1000/SF budget would be a good starting place 4) Let's make the earth flat again and 6,000 years old. That would be fun. 5) Rewrite Book of Job and have Job kickass more and not be so damn cheerful
9. Gotta go with some sort of coveting, but I haven't picked out what I want yet. Still browsing.
10. Sadly, I have not yet fantasized about any of these people. I had a sunday school teacher I dreamed of killing slowly and painfully, but she had it coming.
# posted by : 7:06 PM
: 7:06 PM
I remember when I was about 15 and in the youth group, we had a Saturday pool party at one of the youth leader's houses. Everyone was there, including the 2 or 3 couples that volunteered to try and teach us every Sunday. One of them had this really hot wife - they were probably in their late 20's/early 30's, and I remember that at some point in the party she appeared in this scandalously skimpy bikini (no, we weren't Methodists). And I was like DAAAAAAAMMMNNNNN!!! And then I remembered by lusting after her fleshly (hot) body I was, literally, daaammmnnnning myself to perdition. So I tried to avert my eyes. That was an important early lesson in repression and guilt - both of which have served me dutifully over the years in this Bible belt in which I reside.
Here's another question to add to your list.
-For how many of you was "Church Booty" your first booty?
I also realize that I could have made the story better by having the hot bikini wearin' church ho start tonguing the pastor's wife, right there in the pool, and then Church Girls Gone Wild shows up and all *hell* breaks loose. I'll work on my embellishment skillz next time...
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Here's another question to add to your list.
-For how many of you was "Church Booty" your first booty?
I also realize that I could have made the story better by having the hot bikini wearin' church ho start tonguing the pastor's wife, right there in the pool, and then Church Girls Gone Wild shows up and all *hell* breaks loose. I'll work on my embellishment skillz next time...
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