Socrates
It seems that this forum has gotten all "highbrow" all of a sudden, and I feel I must submit something of substance for a change. But all I can think about is how cool it would be to be a Beastie Boy because I could go around wearing sweet Adidas warmup suits and matching hats & sneakers.

This brings me to the topic of how, when reading Platonic dialogues, the character of Socrates always gives me a headache. In order to investigate why this is, I've written a fake Platonic dialogue exploring the matter.

TYLENOLIUS - by Plato (a short dialogue, translated by James Dollabill)

TYLENOLIUS: Why, Socrates, does your elenchus give me such a pain in the forehead?!
SOCRATES: By the dog, Tylenolius, this is a good question. Would you like to learn why?
TYL: Yes, Socrates, that is why I asked you about it.
SOC: The thing is, Tylenolius, you already know why. Did you know that?
TYL: But how, O Socrates, can I know something that I do not know. It sounds absurd.
SOC: Yes, it does seem strange, but many things in life seem strange. But answer me this, What does a cat do?
TYL: Why, a cat sleeps, Socrates.
SOC: Yes, and what else does a cat do besides sleep?
TYL: A cat eats, and purrs, and sheds its fur.
SOC: This is true, Tylenolius, so there is not just one thing that a cat does, you would say.
TYL: It seems so, Socrates.
SOC: And what about turds, Tylenolius, what do they do?
TYL: Turds fall, Socrates.
SOC: Don't turds do anything else?
TYL: Yes, you are right - turds stink.
SOC: And what about a doctor of medicine, what does he do?
TYL: He treats illnesses.
SOC: And what else does he do?
TYL: He drives a sports car, Socrates?
SOC: Yes, so once again, a medical doctor does not do just one thing. Now, Tylenolius, if a person performs more than one task, what can we say of him?
TYL: He performs many tasks.
SOC: Now, answer me this, is performing many tasks simple or complex, by definition?
TYL: I would say it is complex.
SOC: This is right, and when performing complex mathematical problems, what sometimes happens?
TYL: When I try to work on Calculus with Pythagorus the Younger, I often get a headache.
SOC: Does everyone get a headache from working calculus?
TYL: No, I fear not, Socrates.
SOC: So why do you get a headache, Tylenolius, when others do not?
TYL: I believe it is because I am not as smart as they are.
SOC: Ah. So when one is not smart enough to understand something that is complex, one gets a headache.
TYL: I think you have found an anwer, Socrates.
SOC: Let us finish this, then Tylenolius. What task does Socrates perform?
TYL: He argues with people.
SOC: Yes, and what else?
TYL: He has a homoerotic affair with young Alcibiades.
SOC: And what else?
TYL: He buys fish at the agora.
SOC: Yes, so is Socrates simple or complex?
TYL: By Zeus, Socrates is complex.
SOC: So, my dear Tylenolius, you have your answer. You get a headache from Socrates because you are not smart enough to understand calculus, and because Socrates argues with people, is having a love affair with a young boy, and buys fish at the agora. Do you see how you knew this all along?
TYL: Yes, Socrates. I can't believe it. You were right.
SOC: It is always worthwhile looking into a matter and scaling the mountains of dialectic. Now, I heard they just got in a shipment of lovely Red Snapper, shall we go to the agora.
TYL: Lead the way, Socrates...

J$  ¶ 10:54 AM