Thursday, August 02, 2007
New religion
I've been reading Under the Banner of Heaven, an outsider's perspective on the history of the Mormon church. I'm fascinated by the number of revelations Mormons have experienced and continue to experience. What I find particularly interesting is that God continues to use old-timey grammar (with a little bit of Yoda thrown in), even when revealing his desires and plans for the modern world. It is as if God learned English by reading Shakespeare and has grudgingly added new vocabulary to get His will done.
He might say, "Lo, my servant Steve, thou art truly needing a sixpack of strong drink, if thy wife doeth not to honor thee and respect thy holy covenant thou needest to thump her."
I guess the contorted sentences leave enough wiggle room that you can interpret however you like. I dunno.
Keeping in the Spirit, I thought it appropriate to document before you, my internet brethren, the First Revelation delivered unto me. So here it is, more or less verbatim.
"Verily, Saint Ted, move thy family unto the Holy City*. Bring forth upon that soil a new lineage, and useth disposable diapers.
"And I say unto you, all that do not follow thee to the Holy City may be damned, for only there may the others receive My word from you.
"If a man should visit thee upon the creation of the new house of Ted, he may be saved, though he live in a city of damnation such as Dallas or Columbus.
"Go back to sleep now."
Straight from the Man. You heard it here first.
*Church scholars agree that Holy City refers either to Houston or to Sugar Land. ¶ 7:05 AM
I've been reading Under the Banner of Heaven, an outsider's perspective on the history of the Mormon church. I'm fascinated by the number of revelations Mormons have experienced and continue to experience. What I find particularly interesting is that God continues to use old-timey grammar (with a little bit of Yoda thrown in), even when revealing his desires and plans for the modern world. It is as if God learned English by reading Shakespeare and has grudgingly added new vocabulary to get His will done.
He might say, "Lo, my servant Steve, thou art truly needing a sixpack of strong drink, if thy wife doeth not to honor thee and respect thy holy covenant thou needest to thump her."
I guess the contorted sentences leave enough wiggle room that you can interpret however you like. I dunno.
Keeping in the Spirit, I thought it appropriate to document before you, my internet brethren, the First Revelation delivered unto me. So here it is, more or less verbatim.
"Verily, Saint Ted, move thy family unto the Holy City*. Bring forth upon that soil a new lineage, and useth disposable diapers.
"And I say unto you, all that do not follow thee to the Holy City may be damned, for only there may the others receive My word from you.
"If a man should visit thee upon the creation of the new house of Ted, he may be saved, though he live in a city of damnation such as Dallas or Columbus.
"Go back to sleep now."
Straight from the Man. You heard it here first.
*Church scholars agree that Holy City refers either to Houston or to Sugar Land. ¶ 7:05 AM
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And, Lo, they shall enter a land of milk and honey, of smog and blacktop, and there they shall rise and call the land "blessed." For blessed is he who eats of the land's bread, who drinks from the cup of the salted margarita, who shall avoid the temptation of the dragon and the beast and the woman who sometimes rides on the dragon and other times rides on the beast, but never at the same time riding both. The beast shall have one head with seven necks, and the dragon shall have two heads with seven necks, and this is how you shall distinguish between them in thy land. The woman shall be stripped from the waist up, but covered by tiny pixels so everything will appear fuzzy to thy sight, no matter how hard thy squintest. The woman shall have seven breasts, and each breast shall be the name of the seven deadly sins: Greed, selfishness, drunkenness, failing to drive without proper insurance, apostasy, fun, lying, botulism, and wealth. Well, actually, each breast shall have only "one" of the seven deadly sins on it, since having all seven on each breast would be rather redundant, not to mention they'd have to be written pretty small which would only serve to weaken the whole rhetorical effect of the thing. Don't you think?
The dragon shall rise from the bayou and then sink back into the bayou later on. But it will be scary for awhile.
The dragon shall rise from the bayou and then sink back into the bayou later on. But it will be scary for awhile.
# posted by 
: 3:06 PM
: 3:06 PM
I've seen the dragon and the woman, but I don't think the beast has made an appearance yet. What form, dear prophet, does the beast normally taketh?
Unbelievers taunt me and say that having seven necks and one head would nail it down pretty well, but verily there are many such creatures in the realms of lower Montrose.
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Unbelievers taunt me and say that having seven necks and one head would nail it down pretty well, but verily there are many such creatures in the realms of lower Montrose.
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