About last night... I discovered last night that The Cheesecake Factory employs a semi-infinite series of steps to shepherd customers from the front door the their table, where each step is half the length of time of the preceding step. To wit: you wait in a very long line to see the hostess, who acts like she's doing you a favor by letting you in her restaurant. She hands you a pager, which takes a very long time to go off (but not as long a time as it took to get past the hostess). You hand your pager to a second hostess with attitude, who tells you to wait in a new line of people who've also passed the pager step. This line is shorter than the wait for the pager, but still appreciably long. Like cattle, you are herded to a table where you await your server. This step may have started a new series, because it actually seemed longer than some of the preceding steps. Then more waiting for your order to be taken, food to be brought out, etc. In all, I think we waited

L* {1/A + 1/2A + 1/4A + ...} ;

where L is a lifetime and A is the amount of time it takes me to get very Angry about having to wait for something I don't really want. The food was pretty good.
While we were waiting in the post-pager stage, Robyn and I contemplated things one could do to amuse one's self in such a situation. All of them involved dressing in black slacks and a white Oxford, so as to look reasonably like an employee of the restaurant.
1) Go out into the lobby and tell everyone with a pager that the pager system was malfunctioning, so they should all form a single-file line to the hostess stand to be seated
2) Fart a lot (OK, you don't need to dress up for this one. It didn't have much effect, though)
3) Ask people in the post-pager stage to "Please follow me to your table," and take them on a long, winding path through the restaurant until you reach an empty table, and them seat them there. Every so often, stop in front of a dirty table and say, "Oh, it looks like they haven't cleared your table yet. I'll take you to a different one."
4) Leave. Go have a few drinks somewhere else and call it a night.
When I retire and open my cafe, I'll make sure to have really cute, friendly hostesses so that people won't get pissed off when it takes forever to get a table. If, in fact, it takes forever to get a table at my restaurant. If you print out this blog and save it, I'll give you a free drink every time you come in*



* With the purchase of one or more full-price entree per guest  ¶ 3:46 PM