The Christmas Story
by J.$.

Hi reader.

I'm going to tell you a story. A Christmas story. Actually, I'm calling it, "The Christmas story." It's long, yes. But hey - don't blame me. I'm just the guy telling the story! If you want to blame someone, blame George W. Bush.

The Christmas Story:

Once upon a time in a magical middle-eastern land there was much trouble and sadness, due to an imperialist superpower occupying a small, poor nation that just happened to have the misfortune of being in a perfect strategic location, both for protecting the region's precious natural resources, as well as being a great place to set up a permanent army base from which to launch military operations. Before you jump to conclusions and think I'm talking about Iraq and the good ol' US of A, I'm not - I'm talking about Israel and the Romans.

So, anyway, God looked down on the poor, enslaved, harassed people and thought, "I'm Going To Do Something About This." So, he sent down his son to save these people from not only the Roman imperialists, but also from their sins, which was an added bonus, let me tell you. God really has a great sense of humor, because instead of just placing his son, full-grown, into the middle of the town square of Jerusalem City, preaching his message on a crystal soap-box, he decided to magically impregnate an engaged virgin girl with the embryo of his son. This is funny because, in that particular culture, a girl who has been having sex outside of marriage would have been taken outside the city walls and stoned to death. Either that or she would have to wear a scarlet letter "A" on her bosom for the rest of her life, shunned by all those in her community. Anyway, I was talking about God having a sense of humor and I can't help but laugh at the fact that he went to so much trouble to send his son down to save these people from the Romans AND their sins, but in the end they didn't even believe that this guy, God's son, was really who he said he was. So God had to be like, "Holy Crap, People - What Do I Have To Do Here!...Can't You See Me Working Hard Up Here!?"

Well, so, somehow these subjugated, peace-loving people were able to throw off the yoke of the hated imperialists Romans (mainly by implementing guerilla warfare such as camel bombs, and organizing insurgent groups who would infiltrate the Roman army by posing as Roman Centurions, and then massacring the real Roman Centurians in surprise attacks), and became a free people once more. But unfortunately, God's son got caught up in all the madness and was put to death unjustly, being betrayed by both his Jewish brethren and the Roman imperialists dogs. He was meek and mild, and spent time spreading love and peace and healing the sick and tending to the outcasts, and other generally unpopular activities, and so people finally got sick of him making them look bad. They also really thought that God's son would have come down to earth in the form of Hercules or Achilles, a mighty warrior that would kick some serious Roman ass. Because people desperately love war and killing, and are bored by peace and love. But anyway he didn't. And, to add to the ignominy, in a land full of dark-skinned people, God's son was pasty white, with blue eyes and sandy blond hair. Yikes.

All of this misunderstanding was frustrating to God, who had already wiped out the entire human race years back, except for a handful of the righteous and a boatload of pious animals, when he instituted OPERATION REBOOT THE HUMAN RACE by placing the Humanity6.0Restore software in his giant computer and then clicking on "restart." So he was loath to do that again. That is when he had a brilliant idea. He would raise his son from the dead, thereby cancelling out all the sins of everyone, everywhere, in all ages, thus restoring them to goodness once more.

However, down on earth, human beings had already started doing what they do best, which is making idols and worshipping them, and then needlessly killing and torturing each other. Instead of celebrating the birth of God's son every year by doing good deeds, forgiving enemies, visiting the sick, helping out the poor, or donating money to orphanages or children's homes, these people decided that it would be BETTER if they could figure out someway to, yes, honor God by celebrating the birthday of his son, whom they didn't really believe was God's REAL son, but let's not quibble on small details. But what they thought would be really great is if they could somehow combine God's son's birthday, and a national buying frenzy that would also stimulate the sagging economy, so each person would have more money to buy more things with (trickle-down economics), and the government would have more money to build up its military and devise new horrific weapons that would scare other nations into not messing with them.

So, God's son was sort of given lip service, but the vast majority began worshipping a fat man in a red and white suit named not Christ, but Chris Cringle, who was said to deliver toys to people around the world on the eve of God's son's birthday, using a magic flying sleigh pulled by a team of magic, flying reindeer. The catch was, you had to be GOOD during the year to get stuff from him, but even that turned out to be a crock as everyone knows that the people who always get the most stuff are almost always the most corrupt (such as the CEO of Jerusatech, who took all his company's drachmas and bought a summer home in Rome and left a wave of destitute white-collar Jewish mid-level managers in his wake).

The strange thing was, in the end, MORE people believe in the existence of the rosy-cheeked fat man in a red suit, living at the North Pole, flying around the world delivering toys to everyone in one night from a magic flying sleigh pulled by a team of magic flying reindeer, than they do in the fact that the guy who said he was God's son was REALLY God's son.

So, this is why each year we rush to the malls, flipping off slow drivers who get in our way, maxing out our credit cards and pushing ourselves close to the bring of bankruptcy, just to buy plastic toys or diamond jewelry made from the blood and sweat of slaves from third world countries, or sweaters that were made in sweatshops in China by 7 year old orphans who get paid 5 cents per week, or new SUVs that belch out gases that will eventually destroy the planet - all to prove to people that we are good, loving, kind and decent human beings, just like God's son, the same guy whom we really only pay lip service to and don't REALLY believe in.

Isn't that a weird story?

The end.

J.$.  ¶ 6:56 AM