Living with regrets There's a new company in Houston that rents animals on a long-term or short-term basis, so you can see what it's like to "own" a dog or cat without subjecting yourself to the sustained responsibility of pet ownership. Or, if you're a little devious, you can pick up a cute dog on a nice day and go trolling for women in the park. I would never do that, I'm just saying it's something that makes it a compelling business. Unfortunately, they already have a surplus of cats and would not accept Princess Jill. But that's a different story.
This company seemed perfect for me because I've been thinking a lot lately about gorillas, and I really wanted to see what it was like to have one. They seem so exotic, but also thoughtful and semi-human. I called them up, and at first they thought I was joking. Then they said they didn't have any, but I finally convinced them (after letting them charge a $1000 deposit on my AmEx) to find one to lease to me. I told them I really wanted either an 800 lb gorilla or a 900 lb gorilla, because then I could say that I had actually once ignored the 800 lb gorilla sitting in the room.
They came back a week later and said the best they could find was a 400 lb gorilla, a former possession of a Saudi prince. The gorilla is pretty old and has some serious health problems, so the prince was willing to part with him for a nominal fee (plus shipping and handling, which was not so nominal).
So now I have a 400 lb gorilla (I call him Fred) with a strange skin condition and incontinence pacing around my living room. He's really not the kind of gorilla you could ignore, so I don't know where that expression came from. He's really strong, despite his age. I feel like if I stop giving him food and scratching his back he might tear my arms off. And those teeth! I know he's a vegetarian, but those fangs look like they could impale an ox. Try to daydream about something else while one of thsoe is staring at you. Feed the damn thing another banana, is more like it.
Fred takes up all my time now. I'm not super happy about it, but what can I do? The animal pimps won't take him back until they have another customer to lay him off on, although they've stopped billing my credit card and I think I can get my deposit back. I get up at 6am when he does, and it's non-stop attention until he goes to sleep. I'm lucky if I can scrounge 10 minutes to make a sandwich and cram it down my own throat a couple of times a day. On top of that, Fred never seems happy or content with his accomodations.
Obviously, renting a 400 lb gorilla was a monumental mistake. The solution seems equally plain; I need to get rid of him. But now I'm stuck with this beast that screams at me, takes all my time, and slings runny shit at the walls when it gets slightly annoyed. And I just sold my deer rifle. Kind of makes it hard to look past the immediate present with such pressing demands on my time.
Next week I'll see if Fred will post something.  ¶ 9:31 AM