To whom it may concern:

I am interested in the “albatross—dead” position you recently advertised. I have the excellent work history you seek. Sadly I am unable to provide many professional references, as most of the organizations I have worked for previously are now defunct. I am looking for a robust company in most any industry, preferably one with a lax alcohol/drug policy.

I am above all considered a token of luck to an enterprise, which makes me an ideal candidate for this position. I am known for being irrascible and slow to adopt new ideas. I am persistent in reiterating my own views. I typically meet or exceed my vacation and sick day allowances. I am not afraid to say the “wrong thing” or do something that's not "PC". I improve the morale of my employer’s organization through such methods as dutifully forwarding all amusing emails I receive to large groups of people, telling long stories to break the monotony of Friday afternoon meetings, etc.

I think we may have a real fit. I do not have a resume, but will be happy to describe my history during a phone call. Please contact me at your earliest convenience.

Best regards,

¶ 10:08 AM